Why IxxPs Struggle with Authenticity
Stoic Confusion
I don’t think Dave Powers fully understands IxxPs.
I think there’s a crucial piece missing if you want to get to the core of their pain. Most people probably think that IxxPs are generally true to themselves and don’t care about other people’s opinions. I think the opposite is the case, but—let me explain.
Several months back, Shan and Dave from Objective Personality released a video on the author Ryan Holiday, who’s most famous for his many books on Stoicism.
In their video, they type him as an ISFP, and in the beginning, Dave criticises Ryan for preaching “his saviours.”
As IxxPs often do, Ryan rants about people in the clips they show. He advocates for introspection, authenticity, and not caring about others’ opinions.
Dave argues that Ryan is preaching to be more Di, essentially implying that IxxPs are authentic by default and don’t care about people’s opinions. And on the surface, I agree, this is what it sounds like.
But still—when I watched the video for the first time—it left me confused. Why would the guy who wrote a book called “Ego is the Enemy” be preaching Di?
Something didn’t add up.
In the second half of their video, they show him double-deciding, taking in the tribe’s perspective and processing it out loud.
But what if their interpretation was off? Do IxxPs really not care about the tribe’s opinion? What if Ryan was preaching something else all along?
In my opinion, too much Di is very different from actual authenticity. As far as I can tell, most IxxPs are not authentic and care too much about what other people think.
But please don’t get me wrong. I did not write this article to defend IxxPs against the mean Dave Powers (love you, Dave)—not even a little. Maybe he’s right about Ryan (probably not), and I’m wrong (don’t think so). That’s beside the point.
I’d like to talk about the core problem of IxxPs with a bit more nuance. Why they are always so damn nervous and awkward, what keeps them stuck, and how can they get out?
They Care
All deciders either miss the individual’s perspective or the tribe spectrum. They cannot easily switch back and forth, which makes it hard to balance the two.
This kind of missing information about people makes them scared of the tribe and scared of judgement because they cannot to see the full picture when it comes to people.
Usually, the more Di and the more introverted deciders are, the more scared and nervous they look, and the more awkward they come across. Why do you think that’s the case? Because they don’t care about people’s opinions?
If they actually didn’t care, they would be free to do whatever they wanted—with calm and ease—because they’d have nothing to be afraid of. Does a nervous person seem free to you?
The fear of judgement makes them nervous—and what is judgement, but someone else’s opinion?
IxxPs look too much at themselves, their opinions, and their preferences. They build up a false, unrealistic self-image, an overblown ego they can’t let go off.
This might appear like authenticity—if you don’t look more closely.
IxxPs mistakenly equate that ego with themselves. If the world contradicts their self-image, it feels like their metaphorical death—and if they don’t pay attention, they conveniently don’t find contradictions. That’s how and why they miss the tribe’s perspective.
You might think this means they don’t care about the others’ opinions. But I think the opposite is the case. IxxP care way too much about the wrong thing—which is the root of their problem.
The solution is to find your authenticity and start caring about the right thing.
You Are Two People
When Ryan Holiday preaches authenticity and introspection, it sounds like he’s preaching Di—if you assume that those things are one and the same. However, I do not.
Equating authenticity with the human need for self misses one crucial insight: you are actually two people.
Imagine seeing yourself in a mirror. There’s the person you see in the mirror, the one that probably has your attention, but there’s also the one who’s watching the person in the mirror—and that second you is easy to overlook.
Which one are you? Both of them—kinda, but not really. In a way, you are both the observer of things, and an object to be observed by yourself and others. The observer is called the “I-self” (the seer of things). The one who’s observed, or looked at or thought about, is called the “me-self” (the one seen).
The me-self is your self-image or self-concept. It includes all the beliefs and opinions you have about yourself. Whether you’re a good person or a bad person, a success or a failure.
The me-self is a useful tool for navigating and interfacing with the world. It keeps you alive. It is the object of all your needs: food, shelter, relationships, significance, and validation. It cares about others’ opinions because that’s part of its needs.
The me-self is neither good nor bad, but it shouldn’t be regarded as something it isn’t—because that’s precisely when we lose ourselves.
In our modern environment, the me-self goes into maximum over-drive. It never rests back into the I-self because of constant distractions. It wants more and more and more. It wants pleasure, money, fame, and power. The attention is on its needs, fuelled by feelings of scarcity.
It’s the I-self, or the seer, who is the true you. I regard authenticity as operating from the I-self.
The seer can be thought of as your consciousness or sense of awareness. It’s always unchanging and free of need because need is something the I-self experiences as a part of the me-self. The I-self is abundant and cannot be hurt. Judgement isn’t an issue because that can only hurt the me-self.
The I-self simply pays attention to the world as it is, and allows you to attend to it from a place of peace. Simply put, tuning into your observing self makes you less self-absorbed. It’s associated with a more stable mood, less depression and anxiety, and better performance.
Most people, no matter what personality type they are, stare at their me-self too much. IxxPs cling to their point of view, their beliefs, and their opinions. ExxJs are more actively focused on how their me-self is regarded by others.
Neither is being authentic because their focus is on an image that isn’t actually them.
If you want to be authentic, if you want to feel whole and abundant, you must learn to relax away from who you think you are.
Feel the Awe
When Ryan Holiday quotes Marcus Aurelius and preaches to not care about people’s opinions, I believe he’s talking about attachment to the me-self.
It’s this attachment that makes you overly sensitive and afraid. It’s this attachment that makes everyone self-absorbed in their own way.
But you cannot change others. You can only let go of your own bullshit.
IxxPs are scared and nervous because they have forgotten who they are. They don’t dare to be authentic because authenticity requires you to let go of your attachment to the me-self.
Authenticity and freedom lie on the other side of fear and pain. They require you to let go of who you think you are, to detach from your meaningless opinions about yourself, so you can put your attention on someone else.
And when it comes to that: IxxPs are just the worst.
Stop looking at yourself so much, and learn to tune into the I-self to focus more on the outside world. Pay attention to the actual people in your life. Be with them, listen to them, leave their lives better than when you found them. But don’t fear their judgement.
The I-self allows you to act from a sense of confidence and connection, so you can participate in the world in an unflinching, wholesome, and wholehearted manner.
To lean away from the self-absorbed me-self and into the observing I-self, I’d recommend the following three things.
First, start meditating. Practice sitting, noticing your breath, and simply observing your thoughts and feelings. In time, this makes you more sensitive to the space between the observer and what is being observed. Realise that thoughts are things to be observed by you. They are not you—the same goes for feelings.
Feelings and thoughts are signals and tools. When they come up, you can examine them, put them into context, and decide deliberately on what to do—even in fear and anger. Your actions need not be automatic.
Second, stop judging the people around you. Judging might seem like pure observation, but it really isn’t. It’s filtering an observation of the outside environment through the me-self and making it about you. Instead, observe the world around you without regard for your opinions. Start by making more purely observational statements rather than value-based ones.
Third, spend more time in nature and develop a sense of awe. The experience of awe is defined as “the feeling of being in the presence of something vast that transcends your understanding of the world.” Feeling awe diminishes the sense of self. Spending time in nature is merely one way to cultivate awe, of course.
Nature is a judgement-free zone. The squirrels, the trees, and the clouds do not have an opinion about you. You don’t care about impressing them, and you have no intention of getting something from them. There is no need for image control when you’re alone in nature. You’re free to relax and put your attention on the beautiful things you can observe, instead of on yourself. Just—try to withstand the urge to take selfies.
Is Ryan Holiday cringy when he goes on a rant and preaches this stuff? Sure, I totally agree with Shan and Dave on this. He is a decider, after all. But so am I—and I’m aware that this article is just as cringy. But hey—what can I do?
These are my three favourite books on cultivating awareness and discovering who you truly are.
The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer: In his early twenties, Michael Singer suddenly became aware of the voice inside his head. He realised the voice and him couldn’t be one and the same, since he was the one listening to it. This led him down a path of going beyond the mind and discovering his true Self.
This book distils his most valuable lessons from several decades of building both a spiritual community and a billion dollar software company. It will transform your relationship with yourself and the world around you.
The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts: This book taught me that I didn’t have the first clue about who I was. It explained the root of my alienation to me. In here, Alan Watts writes about the fundamental illusion of assuming you’re a self that’s separate from the world around you.
The opposite is true. You and the world are two sides of the same coin, they’re interdependent. The world shapes you, and you shape it just as much. If you seek a deeper understanding of your own identity and your role in the world, read this book.
Awareness by Anthony de Mello: “Life only makes sense when you perceive it as a mystery.” In his live dialogues, Anthony de Mello challenged his audiences to wake up from their illusion and ignorance. This book captures the spirit of those events.
In short chapters, he pushes you to become aware, to stop seeing things as you are, and instead, as they are. He urges you to let go of the identification with your fear, and your insistence on the world being the problem. You are the problem—as long as you keep clinging to fear. The way out is awareness.
