From Confusion to Clarity

Relationship Series: Part IV

Who Are You? (Felix’s Monologue)

When you hear the question, "Who are you?" you might think of your name, your job, or a thousand different things. But that’s not what we’d like to explore here. There’s a feeling that you’ve always been you—something constant amid life's changes.

So, who are you at your core—when you strip away everything temporary?

You’re obviously nothing outside yourself. You’re not the people you see or the device you’re reading this on. You know that because you’re the one looking at these things on the outside.

But let’s get a bit closer. Are you your body? It’s changed a lot since you were born and will continue to do so (sadly, those pizza rolls aren’t helping). You could even lose a limb—gruesome, I know—and you’d still be you. You’re experiencing having a body, which means your body isn’t you.

Let’s zoom in even more. What about your thoughts and feelings? Are they you? That voice in your head that’s constantly chattering? You know, the one that never shuts up about your to-do list or that embarrassing thing you did in third grade. You’re the one listening to that voice, so it isn’t you.

You’re the one experiencing thoughts and feelings, so they aren’t you either.

Here’s the kicker for spiritual growth: you are everything that remains once you eliminate everything you are not.

You’re not your experiences; you’re the conscious witness of your experiences, the awareness behind them. Feelings change, but awareness stays the same. At your core, you’re always at peace.

The more you tune into that peace, the more you can let go of everything that bothers you.

What is NF Exactly?

Ok, let’s rewind for a second.

I spent too many hours and too much brain power trying to figure out how to write this article. Why? Because NF is really hard to explain.

Do you ever suddenly feel inspired to do something simply by hearing someone speak? Or do you finally feel comfortable sharing something personal with others?

This is NF at work. It’s subtle, intangible, a vibe if you will—often something that you cannot point to in reality, but you know it’s there (and you notice when it’s not).

And before any of you observers say anything, no, we are not referring to ghosts or spirits!

Felix and I have completely different NF languages: Felix has Ni and Fe combined as blast last, and I have Ne and Fi combined as consume second.

Fortunately, we almost never have clashes in the NF (well—that we are aware of), except for this one recent occurrence.

When Confusion Strikes

So if you just read Felix’s monologue at the start of this article, you might be wondering what on earth he is talking about?

This is a great example of NF blast—an abstract, narrowed-down concept, which is a combination of NT sleep (how things work) and NF blast (wanting to help others find peace).

The first time I heard this, I was ambushed in the bathroom. Ok—I’m being dramatic by saying ambushed, but it did start to feel a bit like that by the end of the conversation. It sounded completely alien to me, like speaking a totally different language (because it was).

I felt boxed in by the narrowness of the concept. I also had no known sensory to connect it to because it went against any pre-existing understanding I had.

Felix’s message to stop identifying with your thoughts and feelings in order to find yourself left me confused. As someone with Fi last, my identity is something that I long to ‘figure out,’ and I thought the way to get there was through examining your thoughts, feelings, values, behaviours, etc.

So to hear something that was the complete opposite of what I thought I needed to do left me feeling a little frustrated. I wanted to call bullshit.

I found that I had some kind of mental block that was preventing me from being truly open to this information, and no matter how hard I tried in that moment, my brain kept wanting to dismiss what I was hearing.

Felix’s Perspective

At some point, Felix noticed my discomfort—he never intended to make me feel uneasy.

He had been inspired by recent learnings and wanted to share them, not to convince me, but to process his thoughts. He had no expectations, which allowed him to shift focus from his monologue to my discomfort.

We discussed the disconnect calmly. I explained how detaching from feelings seemed counter-intuitive, given my struggle to connect with my inner emotions. This perspective was eye-opening for Felix, as detachment from feelings had been a core issue for me.

Though Felix was aware of the abstract nature of these ideas, he hadn't fully considered my viewpoint. Being free of expectations let him understand my perspective better.

The Solutions

This can be a common occurrence regardless of whether you share the same functions or not.

Often, when we are talking to someone, we want to be heard. Otherwise, why would you bother opening your mouth?

But it is important to be aware of how much need you have to be understood. If you are too attached to your words, then you lose the ability to be calm and flexible when communicating.

Did the person you were speaking to not understand what you were saying the first time around? If not, try saying it again slightly differently. Maybe even then, it might still not get through, and it might be because (like I was), the other person is not actually open to listening.

We were okay with not understanding each other at that time, but it is something that we continue to work towards. Remember, communication is a two-way street. You need to be flexible at both ends.