Fi vs Fe: When They Collide
Relationship Series: Part II
In the first article in our Relationship Series, we compared NT Sleep and NT Play and discussed some of the conflicts we experience having these two animals not just as Saviors, but also as our double-masculines.
This article focuses on the interaction between our SF animals and how we have struggled with miscommunication between these double-feminine Demons.
Fe and Fi Miscommunication
First, I want to admit something. We are shameless reality TV watchers—it is for science we promise!
One recurring theme in these shows is the clash between Fi and Fe in expressing romantic interest.
There is almost always a girl (likely with Fi) grappling with deciphering a guy's intentions (probably with Fe) who seems to flirt with every girl in sight.
How many of you can relate to this romantic conundrum?
We're not here to prescribe a one-size-fits-all approach to expressing affection. However, when different decider axes come into play, subtle nuances emerge, often leading to perplexity and misinterpretation.
But before we get into the juicy bits and talk about our personal clashes: What exactly are SF Play and SF Sleep?
The Dynamics of SF Play: Felix’s Perspective
FF SF Play, Felix’s third Animal, is made up of feminine Se and feminine Fe, with Se serving as his second Saviour function. Despite the Play being a Demon, the sensory aspect isn't.
SF Play is gathering sensory data and putting it on a value spectrum, answering questions like, "Who likes what and how much?"
It excels in short-term problem-solving and connecting through shared preferences. However, it comes with a reliance on external validation, which can make you susceptible to manipulation, and a dependence on others for emotional processing.
The SF Sleep Perspective: My Experience
SF sleep for me is made up of feminine Si and feminine Fi. It’s the third animal in my stack, making it a demon.
There are two parts to SF sleep that make up the core identity of someone in my quadra: sensory routines that make you feel good such as working out, how you dress, what you eat, and past memories with strong emotions tied to them.
On the positive side, cultivating healthy SF Sleep habits can lead to exceptional self-care routines—Mark Sisson is a great example of this. Wes Watson has a routine that puts him in a positive emotional state which helps him to unlock creative problem-solving capabilities.
Some of the downsides I experience with SF sleep are how incredibly particular I can be with things like the layout of the house, where and how things are stored, and whether my space is messy or not.
FF SF Sleep is VERY movable. This means that I can easily forget the rules I set for myself or decisions I have made. It can be very all-or-nothing with routines because one small interruption can overthrow the whole schedule I set for myself.
When SFs Collide
During the initial eight months of our relationship, Felix and I lived on opposite sides of the world. Felix lived in Germany, while I resided in New Zealand. Since we couldn’t physically see each other, we bridged the distance by sharing snippets of our daily lives through pictures.
Shortly after we began dating, Felix attended his first Objective Personality meetup in Amsterdam. While we communicated constantly via text during the trip, he shared pictures he had taken with the OPS community on Discord before sending them to me directly.
Feeling a pang of hurt, I expressed how important it was for me to feel special and receive the pictures before they were shared with others.
Felix, acknowledging his unintentional mistake, attributed it to his insecurities and hesitancy in communication.
Our willingness to have an open and honest conversation allowed us to address the misunderstanding and strengthen our bond.
After recognising my triggered emotions, I took some time to compose myself before explaining to Felix how his actions had affected me and what I had expected from him. Despite it not being a major issue for me, I chose to address it early on to avoid future conflicts that could have escalated.
In hindsight, Felix realised that the incident impacted him more than he initially thought. He appreciated my honesty and clarity in expressing my needs without blaming him. Although he regretted unintentionally causing me hurt, he understood that his actions stemmed from his own insecurities and fear of being perceived as needy.
Our willingness to engage in a difficult conversation allowed us to resolve the misunderstanding and strengthen our relationship.
How We Made It Right Again
As discussed in our previous article, maintaining consciousness is crucial. It's essential to understand your needs around expressing attraction to another person.
Additionally, it's important to communicate these needs calmly, even though it may be challenging, particularly for those of us with Demon Feeling and Demon Blast.
Here is one useful framework that I learned in a communication workshop for giving feedback on a problem:
C - Context: Describe the situation and what happened
A - Action: Highlight the specifics of the other person’s action that upset you
R - Result: Describe from your perspective how it made you feel and why
If you have Fi: explain that feelings are personal for you and that sharing them with everyone in the same way can feel offensive.
If you have Fe: explain that while your feelings are personal too, you connect with others by seeking a positive emotional exchange.
For Deciders, it is important to separate the other person from their actions and make it explicitly clear that this is simply your interpretation of the situation. You’re mad at something they did but you are not mad at them.
Maintaining openness and not leading with blame is crucial, as most clashes arise from misunderstandings rather than malicious intent.
And best of all, this is something you can explain without needing to use the technical OPS language at all!
