Know Your Differences
No Quick Fix
For the longest time, I struggled with romantic relationships. I am not just an introvert, I was also painfully shy when I was younger. Luckily, I managed to evolve into being just kinda awkward.
I always longed for intimacy but the fear of rejection was in the way. I had no idea how to build deeper emotional connections over time.
The tribe was the other, an entirely strange being I didn’t understand. I didn’t speak their language. I didn’t know what they expected or needed from me.
However, I didn’t do everything wrong. At some point, I went from being lonely to spending time alone intentionally which taught me how to enjoy my own company. I believe this is the foundation of having good relationships.
After all—if even you don’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone else?
Holly struggled with relationships too, but in the opposite way. She had gone from relationship to relationship since she was a teenager, always avoiding being alone and spending time with herself. She ended up not knowing who she was because outsourcing her identity to others was easier.
She was always able to see the tribe’s needs and adapt to them to give them what they wanted, but she didn’t know what she wanted for herself. Holly had no solid internal foundation to stand on which resulted in a loss of balance in every relationship.
We both looked to psychology and, in particular, the Objective Personality System for help. We wanted to know what we were missing, what we were doing wrong, and what we could do differently.
We found a powerful tool for understanding and communication in OPS—but it certainly isn’t the quick fix that some people might be hoping for.
“Our ability to tolerate our separateness—and the fundamental insecurity it engenders—is a precondition for maintaining interest and desire in a relationship.” — Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
Maths Doesn’t Matter
Certain people want to use personality types to calculate their way to a fulfilling relationship. They hope that a formula can save them.
They want hacks.
They want easy solutions.
They want something to blame.
If they would just find their perfect opposite who complements them in every way, everything would be easy.
Your personality type categorises how your mind works, what triggers your fears, what behaviours you tend to overdo and what behaviours you tend to neglect.
While it isn’t fully determined by genetics, it acts like genes. It is inherent and predisposes you to certain kinds of behaviours. But it does not determine them.
You are so much richer and more complex than your personality type or any kind of formula could possibly describe. Your entire history shaped you into the person you are today. All the happy moments and the heartbreaks too.
With all this complexity in mind, how could you ever know if someone is or isn’t right for you? Well—you can’t know. At some point, you have to take a leap of faith.
But after the leap, there are tools that help you keep staying up in the air.
The Dance Continues
“What makes sustaining desire over time so difficult is that it requires reconciling two opposing forces: freedom and commitment.” — Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
There are some principles for choosing the right partner that I find much more useful than personality type. I ask myself three questions:
Am I attracted to them?
Do I like them as a person?
Does it make sense to commit to them?
The third question is a matter of the brain, the second question is a matter of the heart, and the first question can be associated with yet another body part.
Different combinations of answers to these questions can lead to different kinds of relationships. Not attracted, but you like them and it makes sense to start a relationship? That could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Attracted, you like them, but commitment doesn’t make sense? That could mean a passionate love affair that burns bright before it quickly fades.
If you’re looking for the right partner for a long-term committed relationship, all three questions should be answered with a resounding ‘Yes!’
But how can your personality type help with all of that?
First of all, it helps you understand yourself. Your type describes the filters you apply to the world, it’s like a pair of glasses you didn’t know you got prescribed at birth. It gives you insights into the origin of your fears and blind spots and your social type can even give you clarity into the kind of life you desire.
The various parts of your type allow you to re-contextualise your past and imagine a path into your future. This helps to foster an abundant mindset and a sense of autonomy, which is crucial for keeping attraction alive, according to psychotherapist Esther Perel.
Second, knowing about personality types allows you to see your partner for who they truly are. You want to remember that they’re different and understand how they’re different.
Everyone projects their type, everyone assumes that others think and act like they do. Of course, this isn’t so but in the heat of the moment, we quickly forget.
The better you understand how these types work in you and others, the less likely you are to judge and the better you can listen, understand, and make your partner feel understood. You can learn to communicate better, so you can build the connection and intimacy you desire.
According to Esther Perel, the problem of autonomy and connection is not a problem to be solved but a dichotomy to be managed. In the language of OPS, if you want to have a whole relationship you must be able to double-decide—and personality types can help you get there.
Managing the Dichotomy
“We do not own our partners. We should not take them for granted. In uncertainty lies the seed of wanting.” — Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
What does managing the dichotomy of autonomy and connection look like?
In my opinion, the most important aspect to consider is someone’s Decider axis. Holly and I are on different axes. She is on the Fi-Te axis while I’m on the Ti-Fe axis. This calls for special care in communication and establishing and sustaining connection.
Holly expects herself and others to be useful and moral people. It’s not about having or not having certain functions but about satisfying her needs for Te and Fi. If I want to connect to her, this is what I need to bring to the table.
I need to prove myself as competent on the spectrum of people that Holly observes. This includes holding a job that provides a stable income, helping out around the house, and being generally helpful and open to practical feedback.
I also need to share her personal values to a large degree and make her feel seen as a moral person with good values. I need to actively acknowledge and appreciate her Fi view of herself.
However, I do not have Te or Fi in my stack. If I do some mental gymnastics, I can kinda follow how people on that axis approach life but it’s incredibly hard for me to access this line of feeling and thinking directly. Luckily, I don’t have to.
Provided that I know myself well enough, I can use my own functions to give Holly what she wants.
Ti and Fe are what I can access with less friction. So I ask myself, “What can I do to make Holly happy?” Instead of using Te, I go a roundabout way of seeing what Holly values using my Fe and then setting my Ti mind to act in accordance with it.
Holly does the same thing the other way around. It’s important to me that people are thoughtful and kind. They don’t have to have Ti and Fe for that. It’s easier for Holly to use Te and Fi to achieve the same effect.
Does this sound convoluted?—Maybe. But it describes how we can use the tools at our disposal effectively to create connection. We know what we can do, what others need and how to bridge the gap. Objective Personality gave us a map for this.
Do we still make mistakes?—Of course, lots. But we also know how to deal with those mistakes and get unstuck.
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