Clash of the Masculine NTs
Relationship Series: Part I
Compatibility in relationships is something that many people are searching for. Some even claim to have found the secret formula for the ideal pairing.
Shan and Dave from Objective Personality released their observations on an ‘ideal type maths’ a few years ago to address the many questions they had received on this topic. According to this maths, those with the same functions but in a reversed order can experience an intense romantic attraction.
For me, this would be MF-Si/Fi-SB/P(C). For Felix, this would be MM-Ni/Fe-BP/S(C). The two of us do not share a single function in common. Felix is FF-Ti/Se-CS/P(B) and I am FM-Te/Ne-PC/S(B).
We think that finding your exact opposite is really not that important when choosing a partner. Instead, we believe that a successful relationship and good compatibility are made up of a number of factors (none of which relate to your OPS type):
Stage in life
Shared values
How you live and want to live in the future
Fixed vs Growth mindset
Since your OPS type determines how you see the world and how you communicate, how do we make our relationship work when we are both so different?
This article is the first in a four-part series where we compare and contrast the areas of our OPS types that create the most friction—and what we are doing to work through these challenges.
The Dynamics of NT Play: My Perspective
I have MM NT Play as my first Animal, which is made up of masculine Te and masculine Ne. NT Play involves gathering feedback, exploring ideas, and engaging in short-term abstract problem-solving.
In everyday life, this means constantly seeking input and solutions, even at inconvenient times. Picture being deeply engrossed in work when you are suddenly bombarded with questions about dinner, movie choices, and weekend plans. This is not an interrogation, I promise!
While NT Play has its positives, like effectiveness in project initiation and quick problem-solving, having demon Oi, as I do, makes constant openness a challenge. The perpetual openness of NT Play can make others feel interrogated and solutions may end up being temporary or band-aid fixes and will need revisiting later down the track.
The NT Sleep Perspective: Felix’s Experience
Felix has MM NT Sleep as his second Animal, which is made up of masculine Ti and masculine Ni. NT Sleep revolves around building an inner abstract map of how the world works, long-term planning, and idea-building. NT Sleep is a deeply personal Animal.
Positives of NT Sleep include building a solid self-image, long-term orientation, and effective system building. However, the masculine version can be rigid, slow to change, and may struggle with adapting to current problems.
When It All Goes Wrong
The clash between Felix's NT Sleep and my NT Play became glaringly evident during the creation of our Practical Personality website. I was in charge of creating the website, which was something I had never done before.
Without a predetermined plan, I embraced figuring things out as I went, leaning on Felix's input. After crafting several versions leading up to the Go-Live date, we settled on something we both liked.
However—a week before the launch, I became concerned that the website's vibe was too dark and gloomy. Deciding to make an alternative version for a more appealing look, I presented it to Felix when he came home from work.
For Felix, the unexpected changes I had introduced caught him off guard and felt overwhelming. With the launch just three days away, he was surprised by the need for additional work, considering none of this had been communicated beforehand.
With his NT Sleep wanting to conclude rather than initiate a major design overhaul so close to the deadline, Felix was totally against any of the changes.
Later, as we talked through our differing perspectives, we realised that we were both projecting our masculine functions onto each other: I was expecting Felix to do the Play with me and to be open to more changes, and Felix was expecting that I would be doing the Sleep and not making any further changes so close to the go-live date.
In the end—once we had processed our own triggerings of the situation—we compromised, keeping half of the 5 or 6 changes that I had proposed and agreeing to save a more comprehensive website overhaul for a later date.
How We Made It Right Again
What have we learned to help with clashes like these?
I know we are at risk of sounding like a broken record with this, but consciousness is key. You cannot expect to change anything if you are not aware of what you are doing in the first place!
Step 1: Get conscious.
You need to become aware of your behaviours and tendencies to identify when you are starting to push too much with your masculine saviors, and when friction is starting to occur with the other person.
Step 2: Take responsibility.
Accept the part you are playing in the conflict and do not blame each other.
The "Person A, Person B" method is an approach we've adopted to better align our individual strengths and work together in a more controlled and conscious manner. Here's how it works:
Responsibilities:
Person A: This individual takes on the primary responsibility for the completion of the project or deliverable.
Person B: This individual supports Person A in achieving the project's goals.
Collaborative Start:
At the project's beginning, Person A and Person B collaborate to generate ideas and gather input.
This phase allows for the exercise of NT Play, where changes are frequent and content remains at a high level.
Narrowing Down and Refinement:
Once all the necessary information has been gathered, the project or deliverable needs to be narrowed down and refined.
Here, the strengths of MM Sleep are utilised. This phase involves solidifying the project or deliverable to reach the desired end result.
Controlled and Conscious Collaboration:
While Person A remains overall responsible for the completion of the project, both individuals continue to work together in a controlled and conscious way.
Person B continues to support, but now their support is more focused on refining and finalising the project based on the collaborative input.
In the grand scheme of relationships, clashes are inevitable, but they're also opportunities for understanding and compromise. We've learned that the key lies in staying conscious of our behaviour and taking responsibility for our roles in conflicts.
There's no magic formula for compatibility. It's an ongoing journey of self-awareness, acceptance, and finding the delicate balance in our differences.
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